Patch 8.6.7.5309

Please do not edit these notes as they were originally posted by Kaivax on the Official Forums as a 2019 April Fool.

World of Warcraft Patch 8.6.7 Build 5309

Update Notes WIP DO NOT RELEASE

April 1, 2019

Companion App Update: Findr
Find your next tank, healer, or damage dealer at a glance with the latest update to the WoW Companion App: Findr. When you open the Findr feature, you'll be presented with a picture and a brief description of another player, and you can decide whether they'd be the right match for your party. Features include: When the time is right, gather your new groupmates together, and head off to whatever adventures lay in store!
 * Glance at a player's gear and achievement points for 3 seconds (maximum) before making a snap judgment about how well they'll tank your Mythic Keystone run.
 * Swipe right to request a match and immediately send a party invitation.
 * Swipe left to completely dismiss the player's entire existence; this is completely anonymous, distancing you from the other player's growing vortex of self-doubt.
 * Once a match has been made, option to not message them right away, which makes it look like you're super busy and use Findr all the time.

General

 * "Shell Game" can now be attempted on Mythic difficulty, featuring a 64x64 grid.
 * Following the success of the Comp Stomp PvP Brawl, which allowed a team of AI-controller characters to battle real players in Arathi Basin, we are now allowing teams of AI characters to complete dungeons.
 * Riverbud is now legal in Drustvar, Stormsong Valley, and Tiragarde Sound.
 * Riverbud remains illegal in Kul Tiras.

Races

 * Blood elves now have short-eared cosmetic options.
 * The human racial ability that allows you to escape has been renamed. It is now called Every Skinny Kul Tiran for Himself.

Death Knight

 * New Runeforging trait: Emboss your weapon with the ability to transport you to Bolvar. You should talk to your death dad more often, my dude.
 * New Death Knight travel form: Death Leopard
 * Blood Death Knights may no longer select the Heartbreaker talent during the Love Is in the Air event, you monsters.
 * The Bloody Runeblade Azerite trait can't believe the news today. Runeblade, Bloody Runeblade.
 * Recent alternative healer disciplines have resulted in a resurgence of Virulent Plague.

Demon Hunter

 * Due to a general lack of demons in Battle for Azeroth, the Illidari have begun looking for new sources of souls.
 * Insatiable Hunger has been trying out intermittent fasting and is seeing some great results.
 * After poor results from a recent structural inspection, all Eye Beams are being upgraded for greater load capacity.

Druid

 * Nobody:
 * Blizzard: Druids don't wear clothing, they just shapeshift themselves to appear like they do.
 * Feral Druids can now be crowd-controlled by throwing a slice of cheese on their head.
 * Groups of 5 Feral Druids can come together to form one super-bot.
 * Due to noise complaints, Stonebark has been fitted with a shock collar.
 * Soul of the Forest has been donated to Demon Hunters.

Hunter

 * Hati went to live on a farm with grandpa Rexxar. We promise you, Hati is in a better place.
 * Due to safety concerns, Hunter transmogrification options have been limited to armor pieces that are orange in color.
 * Pets that meet certain size and weight restrictions may now travel with you on flight paths.
 * Survival Hunters may now equip quivers.
 * Please stop overfeeding your cat pets. It's unhealthy for them, even if they're adorable chonkers.

Mage

 * The Mage class mount has been re-released as a digital download for those without a disc drive.
 * Aluneth now responds to voice commands. Examples include:
 * "Aluneth, reorder my mats."
 * "Aluneth, set a timer for raid."
 * "Aluneth, play 'Despacito.'"
 * Due to global warming, Glacial Spike is now 20% smaller every year.
 * Flame Patch has been renamed to Flame Content Update.
 * Blazing Soul has been donated to Demon Hunters.
 * Conjure Refreshment now creates Arcanado Toast.

Monk

 * A Brewmaster got into the Whirling Dragon Punch. You should probably take it easy.
 * Mist Wrap has been upgraded to Mist Wrap Supreme, which includes sour cream and cheese.
 * Dampen Harm has been removed. Harm is damp enough already. You might even call it moist.
 * Tiger's Lust is now rated T for Teen.

Paladin

 * Light of Dawn is now more energy efficient and automatically turns off if you leave the room.
 * First Avenger only understood a few of the references in these patch notes.
 * Repentance has been renamed "Shame." It now has 3 charges, which can be reset by ringing a bell.
 * Inquisition is now baseline, and activates randomly without warning. No one expects Inquisition!

Priest

 * Knaifu has been renamed "Bae Blade."
 * Bae Blade's whispers are now more encouraging.
 * Bae Blade is now your life coach.
 * You can do it, sweetie.
 * Last Word is now a mandatory talent choice. You should always try to get Last Word in.
 * Auspicious Spirits has been increased. It is now 40% more auspicious.
 * Circle of Healing is now available in other useful shapes.
 * The Demon Hunters got into Body and Soul, but didn't quite know what to do with half of it, so it's just Body now.

Rogue

 * Fan of Knives is no longer suitable for displaying on your bedroom wall at your age, Randy.
 * Because you can't stop being children with abbreviations, Assassination has been renamed. It is now known as "Sneaky Stab Guy."
 * To promote class fantasy, Vendetta has had its cooldown increased by 40 years.
 * It's been almost 15 years and Shadowstrike still reminds you of that one polearm nobody wanted in Molten Core.
 * Soul Shadows (Artifact Trait) has been donated to Demon Hunters.
 * In an effort to make the Rogue class appeal to a younger audience, Shadow Dance has been given some more modern styles:
 * Shadow Yeet
 * Shadow Floss
 * Shadow Dab

Shaman

 * Shaman totems now come in a tote(m) bag, which you can receive by sending a generous donation to the Earthen Ring.
 * Sundering now requires specific garments be worn in order to be used. You must always equip clean Sunderwear.
 * Static Charge is now 50% more effective when on carpet.
 * Call the Thunder would really like you to start texting instead. It's 2019.
 * Liquid Magma Totem has been renamed Magma Totem, because what other kind of magma would it be?

Warlock

 * Warlocks are refusing to share their souls with Demon Hunters.
 * Almost certainly unrelated to the above, several Warlock spells seem to have gone missing:
 * Dark Soul
 * Soul Conduit
 * Soul Strike
 * Sacrificed Souls
 * Burning Rush
 * Soul Fire
 * Internal Combustion has been upgraded to electric.

Warrior

 * slaps hood of Bladestorm YOU CAN FIT SO MANY BLADES IN HERE!
 * Warpaint is now available in a wider variety of colors.
 * Frothing Berserker is now 67% frothier.
 * Protection Warriors with the Safeguard talent have now been signed up for 12 months of credit monitoring.
 * Soul of the Slaughter (Artifact Trait) has been donated to Demon Hunters.
 * Heavy Repercussions wishes you'd just call it "Repercussions" and stop making references to its weight all the time.