User:Kaydeethree/Night elves mistakes

Please note: this isn't my work. Just archiving random, though old forum humor.

Night Elves: Bad Decision Makers

Anyone ever notice how the Night Elves, when faced with important, world-changing decisions, INEVITABLY make the wrong ones? If it weren't for Night Elves and their screw-ups, I'd be inclined to think Azeroth in general would be a much nicer place.

Mistake 1: Destroying the Scepter of the Shifting Sands

Bronze Dragonflight: "Now that we've finally sealed away the nemesis of all Azeroth, here's a scepter should you need to break the seal and fight them again."
Fandral: "WAAAHH!"
*breaks scepter*
Bronze Dragonflight: "You dumb f*cker."

Mistake 2: Destroying the Well of Eternity

Queen Azshara: "Blahaharrrgh, I'm addicted to magic!"
Night Elves: "Well I guess that's cool."
Queen Azshara: "Blahahaharrrgh, I'm summoning demons!"
Night Elves: "Ok, that's not so cool."
*Big-ass War!*
Malfurion: "I've got an idea! Let's blow up the world!"
Tyrande: "Come on, that's your solution to everything."
Malfurion: "No it's not! By the way, hold this."
Tyrande: "Hey, this looks like a-"
Tyrande: "...damnit, Malfurion."

Mistake 3: Recreating the Well of Eternity, Then Leaving It There and Falling Asleep

Illidan: "Hey guys, now that we just got done blowing THAT up, I just made a new one!"
Night Elves: "You stupid f*cker."
Malfurion: "Illidan, you're under arrest for playing the devil rock music."
Illidan: "How rude!"
Malfurion: "Anyway, let's just plant a tree over top of this sucker and call it a day."
Tyrande: "Uh, what do you want us women to do, Mal honey?"
Malfurion: "You all stay awake and keep the stove warm in case we're hungry when we wake up. Oh, and don't go running off having fun with your friends or anything, I want you in the kitchen where you belong."
Tyrande: "But-"
Malfurion: "zzzzzzzzzzzz"
Tyrande: "Damnit."

Mistake 4: Staying Asleep

Orcs: "FOR THE HORDE! And also the Burning Legion!"
Night Elves: "zzzzzzzzz"
Undead: "For the lich king! Also, again, the Burning Legion!"
Night Elves: "zzzzzzSNRKzzzzz"

Mistake 5: Picking a Fight with the Orcs

Night Elves: "WTF?! Orcs cutting down our trees? Get ‘em!"
Cenarius: "I'LL take the case!"
Night Elves: "WTF!!"
Grom Hellscream: [Orcish] kek

Mistake 6: Releasing Illidan

Tyrande: "We need help, gotta wake the druids up. Oh hey, Illidan! I'm sure 10,000 years of confinement has only rehabilitated him."
Illidan: "GROWLowlorarrrr"
Tyrande: "...although I could be wrong."
Illidan: "OOGHRARGHghhh!" *runs off*

Mistake 7: Blowing up the World, AGAIN

Medivh: "Quit fighting you nubs! Archimonde is coming!"
Night Elves: "Oh crap you're right. Too late now!"
Archimonde: "Bwahahahaha!"
Malfurion: "Hey, I've got an idea!"
Everyone: *groans*

Mistake 8: Stopping Illidan from killing the Lich King

Malfurion: "OMG! Illidan's doing something crazy to Northrend! Gotta stop him!"
Maiev: "I'm kookoo for catching Illidan!" *trips Tyrande*
Tyrande: "Aiiee!" *falls into river*
Malfurion and Illidan: "I'LL take the case!"
Illidan: "So you see, I was trying to DESTROY THE MOST POWERFUL EVIL BEING IN AZEROTH."
Malfurion: "Oh, uh..... my bad."

Mistake 9: Building a new World Tree

Fandral: "Man, I miss immortality. Let's make a new world tree!"
Malfurion: "I don't think that's a good-"
Fandral: "STFU nub."
Fandral: "See? This place is great."
Malfurion: "I dunno, it smells kinda bad... and I think I just stepped in some ooze."
Fandral: "Yeah? Well if you don't like it, why don't you go get lost in the Emerald Dream for a few years?!"
Malfurion: "You know what?! I think I will!" *gets lost in the Emerald Dream*
Night Elves: *facepalm*
Rest of Alliance: "Remind me why we put up with these guys?"
Bronze Dragonflight: "Because you're all a bunch of dumb f*ckers."

Mistake: Trusting Arthas

Illidan: No one understands me. I'll show them I'm not addicted to magic. I can quit anytime I want. Just as soon as I get done crawling in my skin.
Arthas: Hi, I'm evil.
Illidan: Yar, we fight now!
Arthas: Hey, you're pretty good at this. I'm totally not holding back and flattering you or anything.
Illidan: You're right, I am pretty awesome.
Arthas: You know what would make you even more awesome? Consuming the powers of that there demonic artifact.
Illidan: Brilliant idea! I'm glad I thought of it.
Arthas: Oh, and when you get done with that, kill that Dreadlord what's responsible for keeping my boss, the Lich King, from getting out from under Kil'Jaeden's thumb.
Illidan: Sure thing buddy.
*Illidan takes skull, and transforms into a big friggen demon*
Illidan: Sweet!
Tichondrius: WTF HAX?
Illidan: Yar! I kill you!
Tichondrius: Blarg! I are dead!
Illidan: Yay! Now that I've turned myself into a big friggen demon, and killed this other big friggen demon, I've proved that I'm not demonic at all.
Tyrande: You stupid !&$%er.
Malfurion: GTFO!
Illidan: No one understands me!

Mistake: Trusting Kil'Jaeden

Kil'Jaeden: I'm hella pissed that you screwed us over.
Illidan: Oh noes!
Kil'Jaeden: But if you destroy the Lich King, we're cool. I'll also give you your heart's desire.
Illidan: Sweet! I'm just gonna assume that you mean magic, because Kil'Jaeden the deceiver would never say anything that has a double meaning which will screw me over later.

Mistake: Hiding from from Kil'Jaeden in Outland

Illidan: Oh snap, I failed to kill the Lich King. If Kil'Jaeden finds me, I'm gonna get omgwtfpwned! I'd better hide. To do this, I shall flee from Azeroth, to which he has no access except by being summoned by absurdly powerful magics, the likes of which can only be cast by those who don't like him anyway, and instead going to Outland, which is basically his backyard.
Blood Elves and Naga: You are so smart!
Illidan: You understand me! Now let’s beat up one of Kil'Jaeden's lieutenants and take over his fief. Kil'Jaeden will never be the wiser!
Magtheridon: WTF? Ow.
Illidan: Who da man? I da man!
Kil'Jaeden: No, I da man!
Illidan: Oh snap!
Kil'Jaeden: You're an idiot. Now get back to work.

Supplementary Mistake: Leaving Illidan without adult supervision. Twice.

Mistake: Killing the Humans

Tyrande: I'm totally need to flip out! Are there any demons to kill, here in the forest?
Other Night Elf chick: Look, something that isn't demons at all!
Human paladin: All right men! We're here to kill demons, and maybe save the world too if there's time! We sure have built a neat smithy!
Tyrande: Those people over there are clearly evil and probably demons!
Human paladin: Being a good guy is so cool! I just wish there were demons here to kill! I'll just pet this bunny instead.
Tyrande: I've seen enough! Time to kill some people!
Paladin: Sweet baby Jesus!
Peasants: Our beautiful smithy!
Paladin: I'm too heroic to die!
Tyrande: That was totally appropriate!

Mistake: Expecting Others to Follow

Tyrande: Wake up! We really need to kill a lot of people!
Malfurion: Yawn! I find your murderous tendencies disturbing.
Tyrande: But there's demons and orcs and humans, and I'm really pissed off! Wake up all your friends and we're totally going to flip out and kill some people! Maybe some will be bad guys!
Malfurion: Whatever. I'm gonna get some breakfast.
Tyrande: Fine! Be like that! I'm gonna find something to shoot a lot!

Mistake: Releasing Illidan, take two

Tyrande: OMG! Illidan!
Maiev: Back off! It's time for Illidan's morning 'poke with sticks'!
Tyrande: But Illidan's so bishi! And so very stable! And I love every boy!
Illidan: I would like not to be poked with sticks. Please let me out of this cage! I promise not to be addicted to magic!
Maiev: Illidan is very dangerous, and where are all my guards?
Tyrande: I totally flipped out and killed them! And now I'm freeing Illidan!
Maiev: I'm secretly crazier than you, but man, that was a ridiculously irresponsible thing to do!
Illidan: There are too many crazy broads here!

Mistake: Only accepting Medivh as the voice of truth

Medivh: The Burning Legion has phat lewts! Archimonde is a 40-man instance! Raid or die!
Jaina: 60 mage LFG
Thrall: 60 shaman LFG
Tyrande: I say we flip out and kill everyone! Raids are for the weak!
Malfurion: Calm down, Tyrande. Group hug everybody! I'm sure we can beat this Archimonde guy with some positive thinking and hearts and sunshine and magic rainbows!
Tyrande: I want a divorce!

Mistake: Still No Lesson Learning After Hyjal

Someone else: Reasonable suggestion.
Night Elf Chick: Neerraghhrareeoowwnargggle!!!
Someone else: I'm sorry, I don't speak crazy broad.

Mistake: Destroying the old Troll Empires

Qiraji: Rawr, let's kill everything!
Trolls: Bugs for dinner!
Qiraji: Oofwaga! Run away!
Trolls: Aw, where'd all the yummy bugs go?
Night Elves: We're addicted to magic!
Troll: Those are the ugliest trolls I've ever seen.
Trolls: Oofwaga! Run away!
Night Elves: We didn't need those losers anyway.
Vek'lor: Did you hear something?
Vek'Nilash: Holy crap, someone blew up the world!
Vek'lor: ORLY?
Vek'Nilash: YARLY!
Vek'lor: NO WAI!
Rajaax: Hey guys! I took a look around, and all the trolls are gone!
Vek & Vek: Really? What happened?
Rajaax: They must have all got killed when they blew up the world. Now there's only these sissy-looking Night Elf things.
Vek'lor: Killing time!
Rajaax: Sweet!
Vek'Nilash: I dunno, they look an awful lot like trolls. 'Cept uglier. And more sissy-looking.
Rajaax: Aw, I wanna kill stuff!
Vek'Nilash: Let's ask the prophet, and heed the wisdom of our god!
Skeram: Ia! Ia! C'thun ftaghn!
Rajaax: ...
Vek'lor: He says go for it!
Rajaax: Rawr!
Trolls: l2p Nub Elves.
Anachronos: I'LL take the case!

High Elf Part

High Elf Mistake 1: Magic

Dath'Remar: "Magic is fun! Look - I can turn this squirrel into a frog!"
Malfurion: "Yeah. Except when it breaks the world. Remember when it broke the world? You were there? I was there? A legion of howling demons was there?"
Dath'Remar: "... I fail to see your point."
Malfurion: "Look, I'll make it real simple - stop abusing the evil, demon-attracting powers, or you're out of here."
Malfurion: "Ok - you? Out. See that ocean? I want you on the other side of that ocean. Now."

High Elf Mistake 2: Driving out the Trolls

"Hey, look, a forest! Just like the one we left because we didn't like those forest-dwelling moon-freaks! Yay!"
"Uhm - it's... Kinda full of Trolls. Can't we find a different forest?"
"I like this forest!"
"The last forest you liked was possessed by a creeping madness. Can't we find a nice valley, or some kind of mountain?"
"Forest!! Forest forest!"

High Elf Mistake 3: Making a new well

"Hey... What's that?"
"Oh. It's a vial."
"Yeah, why's it glowing?"
"Cuz it's full of the waters of Eternity."
"... And you're going to pour it into the fountain."
"... Wait, isn't that exactly what the guy that got locked up for thousands of years for his evil act did? Y'know - 'the Betrayer'?"
"Yeah. 's his vial. He had a few extra ones."
"... Ok, just checking."

High Elf Mistake 4: Fighting the Trolls

"Those Trolls we threw out of here?"
"They're back. They look mad. Can't we just find an -empty- forest? I'm pretty sure those giant troll statues we had to clear out to make room for your rock garden mean they live here."
"No way! I told you - I like this forest! Die, filthy Trolls! Magic blast time! Magic blast! Yaay!"
"Uhm - can't you tone that down? I mean - remember what that Druid said? Dangerous forces? Howling Demons? Breaking the world?"
"... Stop siding with the squirrel-frog hater. Just make some Runestones or something."

High Elf Mistake 5: Laughing at the Humans

Human: "Uhm... Hey, elf guys? We got a problem?"
Elf: "Hmm?"
Human: "Yeah - all that magic you taught us? There's... sort of been a complication."
Elf: -suppressed smile- "Oh? Really? Whatever do you mean?"
Human: "Well, strange creatures have been appearing."
Elf: "*snort* How odd!"
Human: "Yes - terrible monsters, with great physical strength, and even greater command of magical force."
Elf: "*giggle* Oh no!"
Human: "Yes - and even our strongest mages have had trouble dealing with them. Many among their ranks seem to be masters of turning the arcane against the wielder, or simply draining such power from the body."
Elf: -faked surprise- "Oh my!"
Human: "Yet, we still cannot understand where they are coming from! The farmers are fearful - blaming us Mages for these horrors. Worse yet, they may be right! Some wizards have begun to believe that our use of magic has weakened the fabric of reality itself, allowing these things to claw their way into our world from some unclean dimension! Have the Elves ever encountered such things?"
Elf: "Why -giggle-, no, I certainly can't *snort* recall... Bwahahahaha! Oh, man, that look on your face. Oh, that's priceless."
Human: "... Huh?"
Elf: "Yeah, we know them. They're demons. Scourge of the universe, attracted to magic, almost destroyed the planet once, blah blah blah. We were gonna tell you about them earlier, but then we thought letting you figure it out on your own would be a funny prank."
Human: "..."
Elf: "Aw, come on, don't be like that. You gotta admit, it was funny. 'Oh, terrible monsters are killing our mages'... Ha-ha! Man, you guys are so easy. Come on, let's just make a secret anti-demon club."

High Elf Mistake 6: Not Helping the Humans

Human: "Hey... Uhh... Elves?
Elf: "Waddaya want? I'm busy!"
Human: "Well, there's these guys..."
Elf: "What guys?"
Human: "Big green guys. Orcs. They're kinda beating us up."
Elf: "Pfft. So?"
Human: "Can you help?"
Elf: "Gee, let me think... How about.. No! Buzz off, wuss. Jeez - humans are such wimps. Can't even handle... a bunch of..."
-Orcs and Trolls Attack Elf with sharp pointy things-
Elf: "... Ah!! Humans! Humans! Help me, humans!! Ow!! Help!..." -SPEARDED-

High Elf Mistake 7: Leaving the Alliance

Human: "We are victorious! The Horde are beaten!"
Elf 1: "Pfft. No thanks to you meat-bags. We're out of here."
Humans: "But... I thought we were friends!"
Elf 1: "Dream on - We're way too cool to hang out with losers like you. We're going back to our forest."
Elf 2: "I still wanna be friends! How about I stay behind and live in Dalaran? :)"
Human: "I don't know - now I'm kind of distrustful of Elves. Those other elves are jerks."
Elf 2: "Pweese!? ^_^"
Human: "Ok - but I'm going to be nurturing some resentment, and if the government collapses and we degrade into an angry and paranoid group of militant survivors, I'm so going crazy-racist on you guys."
Elf 2: ":("

High Elf Mistake 8: Blaming the Alliance

Elf: "The Alliance has failed my people! The woods of Quel'Thalas have been tainted! Our Sunwell lies in ruins, drained of all power!"
Human: "You... told us you didn't wanna be in the Alliance anymore."
Elf: "We only meant that as far as helping you went! We still expected rescue! Our homeland is broken!"
Human: "Yeah? Join the club. See the floating magic Spires of Dalaran over there?"
Elf: "Uh - no?"
Human: "Exactly - because some tentacle-faced freak with a magic sand-castle broke them! I won't even start on what's going on in Lordaeron right now! Everything's falling apart here, too."
Elf: "Probably your fault, anyway. It's not our problem that you can't deal with your own lands. Your Alliance still failed the Elven people when we needed you most, and we are very angry."
Human: "Y'know... Aren't you the guys that started this whole 'demonic power from beyond' mess in the first place?"
Elf: "... Uh... That's not important. The point is... The Alliance failed! Blood! Sadness. Oh woe!..."
Human: "Oh, forget it. Say - how would you like to meet my good pal, Lord Garithos?"

High Elf Mistake 9: Having anything to do with Illidan

Lady Vashj: "Hey. You need a fix?"
Kael'Thas: "... Uhm..."
Lady Vashj: "C'mon - premium Demon Energy. S' some good stuff."
Kael: "You speak of madness, my lady... Uhm - how much?"
Lady Vashj: "Tell you what - how's about we go to another dimension, and you can meet my boss. There's a rift, right over there. It's the only way to escape the humans!"
Kael: "... What about, y'know, leaving the city? There's a forest just over there. The humans aren't exactly in a position to abandon their posts and chase us."
Lady Vashj: "Look, are you gonna be a little wuss, or are you going to lead your people throgh a rift to a nether-torn dimension to meet my crazed and power-hungry master!?"
Kael: "... I ain't no wuss!..."
Illidan: "Nope. no cure."
Kael: "Oh."
Illidan: "Yeah. If I knew one, I wouldn't be a walking coat rack, and I'd still be able to wear shoes."
Kael: "So... uh... Can I hang out with you?"
Illidan: *shrug* "Sure."
Kael: "I pledge myself and my people to you, oh master. Our undying loyalty.... (thirty minutes later) ... and swift death to all your enemies! All glory to Illidan."
Illidan: "... Coo'. Wanna go break stuff?"
Kael: "Yes, oh master! Lead on, and we shall follow, even into the abyssal maw of the Nether itself!"
Illidan: "Heh - sure dude, whatever."